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Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
3:16 pm - journally goodness
It's been a long time since I last posted. I've been changing my life. I read back over all the old posts and was taken back by who I was. How defeated I was and how I let others mistreat me. I'm so excited to have experienced all of it though, because I've come so far and can now reflect on what I could once only view as tragic and desperate. Life is just so gorgeous...! My life with my man is so beautiful and loving.mmm...lovin, I'm healthy, and so are my puppies who have been sick for a very long time. kaya lala It's been like a year and a half and I still can't get over how nice it is to be loved like this...we just bought a house together to fix up and resell. Time to get out of the restaurant game. We'll probably make enough money to support ourselves for a while so we bought tickets to sail around Eastern/Western Caribbean to find a place to live. ahh I want to build a self sustained community in a natural environment...grow our own food, make our own clothing, invite other like minded people to help us create this place. I've decided to make the most of my life and I will not waste away in america and I will not live a life without purpose, without giving back to this world.
Donated 13 inches of hair to Locks of Love last week. That felt amazing. I miss my hair but it felt good to do something like that. Now I can dred it up and if I fuck up, it won't be like 2.5 feet of fucked up dreds! snip Snip Snip.
Well that's my update. I miss hearing from you guys out there. My new email address is so_ci@hotmail.com.

and everyone should check out the amazing website stylings of the ever talented and beautiful lau @ http://slicecity.com/soci
hope everyone is beyond well...


p.s. austin roller derby kicks ass!!!

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Saturday, August 10th, 2002
6:02 pm
her worlds collide between coral-colored universes outside she is straying from her moods change frequently and breeding laughter looting streets spilling out so mellow slow and sweet heavenly fingertips stimulating my every sense as i listen to skin friction, smell sweating palms, witness my flesh changing textures, taste my anticipation, and hear her whisper silence against my neck cocked and sensitively exposed thighs wide open riding waves of each other's crooked female frames

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6:00 pm
the most simple part of me is you

and i am you

abstractly viewed

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Wednesday, January 9th, 2002
3:13 pm
"I want to clutch her to me
lest she pass beyong my humble orbit
like some brilliant comet
streaking across the heavens."
C.D. Payne

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Saturday, January 5th, 2002
1:58 am - when you're only wet because of the rain
Tonight I went in search of some kinda boy. I'm craving some male energy...but none of my friends were home. So I decided to start driving and what do ya know...it started raining. So after I drove 45 minutes to see my buddy roy, I found that he was a thousand percent not there....sooooooooooooo I turned around after passing out on his bed for an hour and went to the lake. I sat in the rain on a bench beside it and it was beautiful. The lake was my male energy tonight I guess.

I will walk along these hillsides in the summer 'neath the sunshine, I'm feathered by the moonlight coming down on me.

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Friday, January 4th, 2002
2:21 am - 'you make me want to sing, with all the joy you bring'
the rhythm of your syllables trickling down my back
makes me unsteady
to be this near to you
a swift, long feverish air
shadows me in the elysium of a new moon
and we dance in the street of fallen women
as only you see me in a lavender tone

ssshhhh its a nipple

current mood: awake

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Thursday, January 3rd, 2002
11:37 pm - oh look its that girl again

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10:49 pm
i cant feel too cold when youre near
and love, when i see you its like the first time
every time
and precious are the days when i live so close in your air
and breathe the subtle scent of your touch the night before
i know its worth the distance when the heaviness of
apricot oil hangs in my home, on my hands, in my hair
and my ashtray overflows with the company of another's habit
and night seems to fall in so much sooner when your face is on my shoulder
but I sleep under your skin another night
with a child like nature brought on by the fall of a citrine sun
these flawless surroundings made beautiful by the
imperfections that lay hidden
beneath fragile whispers of something simple
something bathed in winter

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5:14 pm - sigh
"...your real nature is eternal Bliss, and nothing else. The one thing that will never leave you, once you transcend all unstable mental states, is the joy of your soul."
-Paramahansa Yogananda

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Monday, December 31st, 2001
3:18 pm - remember when I moved in you
well your faith was strong but you needed proof
you saw her bathing on the roof
her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
she tied you to her kitchen chair
she broke your throne and she cut your hair
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah

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Sunday, December 30th, 2001
7:33 pm - when again was
he sat facing the wall
for a good hour and a
and when he finally
spoke he said
What Have I Done

and he cried out
he cried out no words
just an unhappy cry
that filled in the
cracks of the corner
where he was sitting

no words came out
no words
he had no use for
words anymore

he thought in pictures
and a few stray
sentences that
happened to be
passing through
and he pictured a
woman with a long
thin neck
and making
flattering motions
with her hands
and shaking her head
and casting her eyes

and he realized that
she didnt understand
she spoke no words
but he thought
what good is it
what good is it to
know how to talk or
gesture when one
thing could mean one
thing or another...

and he felt like he
was floating down a
long dark hall and at
the end was a sign
that said
but he didnt know when again was

so he sat on the
with his head against
the door and
suddenly she opened
it-not the she with the long thin neck but
another one
the one who had cried
before him
he was going to say
something to explain
he said a few words
but she didnt
understand and she
shut the door because
he was mumbling a
language she didnt

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Saturday, December 29th, 2001
4:34 am - sugary sun sweetness
today an obese midget caressed my hair and gave me advice on window treatments.

I think that was the highlight.

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Wednesday, December 26th, 2001
2:34 am
"where to go now the question is always in my mind thinking of it like it was the love of my life...some say walk away some say stay...eat the apple
i dont even really like apples"

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Friday, December 7th, 2001
3:31 pm

Today's uhh... August 4th, 1982
I'm really bored 'n
...There was some dead animals that we played with
There was a weed-whacker we stole two of them
Uh...The cop car was on fire
My friend Scott, he was running and he uhh slipped on a twinkie
And his nose was covered with blood
Ah...The security helicopter shot a spotlight
See 'cause somebody pulled their pants d...

Stuck out here in the sand they shot my mule and burned my wagon.
Ran out of sourdough two days ago aint got no more lard.
God bless all you folks

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12:29 am
you are the after taste of the silhouette of the graze of your tongue to my neck

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Saturday, November 24th, 2001
3:02 pm - You are the pure, all pervading light and consciousness...
I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many.I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many. I am only one. May I become many.

A powerful, sweet voice.

current mood: being

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4:46 am - no one was looooking...i was all by myself (at 5am)
There's a place where I thought I was safe...
Its where I went when I had to run away..
I was wrong.
There is nothing there to benefit from...
No need to visit...there is nothing worth hiding from...
This place does not exist. My reality exists outside of it now.
My sanity depends on my sanity.
I will rely on my intuition not my head.
My heart is easily persuaded but is often right.
Drama is trivial.
Drama is of the devil.

Haha...I just found this poem I wrote when I was 14. Always have been a little angsty.

Population control
Its a role of poverty, pervertly caressing our naked, vulnerable selves..
Seething inwardly, we retreat to our priorities and careers and smother
Our fears beneath years and years of taking shit with a grain of salt
And dealing with hands dealt devotely to us and our distant demises and cries for our dying jesus or whatever the lies they feed us
I long for our days of brotherhood...resplendence
Vanquishing all thick trails of malevolence and vindiction..
Clarity divinely resting in our misguided heads- Gently resting upon our
Impressionable shoulders
Keeping us abreast of our approaching uncivil civilization.
Clarity meets reality in a bloody street brawl so love,
Let every weapon be a tool.

sway sway sway.
watch yourself not to fall.
if you do, glide gently and land soft.
falling is beautiful.
it teaches you to fly.
flying is temporary until you learn to saturate.
bleed into air
and die die die
Decompose and then...
when you open your eyes
you're born once more.
not so alone...
but stronger and pure

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Friday, November 23rd, 2001
7:33 pm - As long as she sucks me off when I tell her...she's my zombie
Coming to conclusions is a good thing. Closure is a good thing. I'm realizing more and more how much I'm not dependant on men. I'm not angry. No bitterness, no angst. But I'm taking a break right now. I need to seperate myself from any sort of relationship that isn't going to be totally worth my time. I don't want my heart broken anymore. I've decided I'm not going to settle either. I love the affection and the attention and a warm body to wake up to but I don't need to be with anyone who isn't as in love with me as I am with him. I've experienced a lot of that lately and its just the Universe saying "what the fuck are you doing? You're not being treated like the bitchin chick you are...get on with it."
Its taken a long time to get to the point where I actually gave a shit who I was with...yay self esteem! I'm happy with who I am and I want to be with someone who's even more excited about who I am. I want someone who thinks about me constantly and smiles when he's alone and I pop in his head. I want the guy who's in my pathetic puppy dog dream in the field...with the blonde dreddies and the blue eyes. I think his name's Seth or someting. I've yet to meet him but he's a badass. I know he exists. *sigh* I'm not sad. Just anxious until I meet that badass person that has the balls to appreciate me as much as I would like.

It may be a little self righteous but I think more girls should look at it this way instead of being with someone to please them or because they're too damn dependant on other's for their own "happiness'...c'mon ladies. You get more respect from a vibrator than a relationship sometimes.

Ah. We're a silly species.


current mood: quixotic

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12:40 pm - White Rock Lake=bad
So last night trey picked me up and we went over to laurel's. when we got there, there was the worst vibe goin on. Everytime I said anything to her it was ignored and totally cold. I assumed it was because trey and I were in the same room at the same time. I eventually found out it wasn't which I feel like shit for but I was so overwhelmed, I had to leave. Once again, feeling like shit...but I cannot handle any drama. I'm ripping the assholes out of my life that are causing me harm and adding to shit. I'm not talking about Laurel, just other people (funky bitches, rhymes with FucKenzie)...Laurel and I are goin really strong right now and I have faith in her to get through her shit as I know, she has complete faith in me. And thats what makes us work...we're back in that place again...but its killing me to see her so unhappy and not seem to have the will to do anything about it. I feel shitty that I assumed certain things were wrong with her last night that probably weren't even an issue...But it hurt like hell to know that she couldn't feel comfortable talking to me about whatever it was. Ah...ouch. I dunno. Its her space, I gotta respect it. It just hurts.

So I made a plan. Finally I have a plan. I'm moving to San Marcos in late January. I'm passing on my fabric whore position at JoAnn's to some other undeserving young girl. I love the people I work with but retail is blah and its so sheep-like. I have a nametag that says "I Inspire Creativity!" Yet I have to wear a white shirt and khakis and hide my piercings..what the holy bejeesus. So I tend to liven up my uniform and go against the code a little. But thats ok. Thats what helps make me, Me. So anyway...I'm loading up Roy and his beautiful VDub bus (which I have ever so appropriately named Lil' Struggler)and his beautiful self and we're goin to San Marcos. I'm going to start this at home job thing doing medical claims billing (starts @ $15/hr, I don't give a shit how boring it is)...so I can work like 4 days a week, at home, play my music, and have time for my crafts. YAY! Plus, when I move, I can just take it with me. And Roy can transfer to a Whole Foods in Austin. I dunno whats up with Laurel though, last time we talked, she was on the fence about going to Austin...? I might just have to go up there a month or so earlier than her and save her happy ass a spot. AH I just wanna get down there and chill at MoJo's with my brother and listen to some hot bitches play guitar. MMmm...hot bitches. So thats about it. I'm so excited to get the hell outta here. I mean...Dallas...c'mon.


current mood: chipper

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Thursday, November 22nd, 2001
8:18 pm - In whatever heinous realm that it squats...that it squats...that it squats

12 sexual things mentioned in the questionairre of love. Questionairre of loo0O0oooOooOoo0Oooo0oove!!

Maybe I should have sex and take another questionairre and see if instead of sexual remarks, my answers will follow more of a puppies and flowers and everything is wonderful theme. "If you were a holiday, you would be: I sure do love children and flowers! Oh YaY for everything and beauty and awwww!" I think thats how it would go so maybe sex is a good idea. BUT OH SO BAD. Cannot handle the drama. Cannot. Cannot. Is there anyone out there who can have unnattached sex? I mean, c'mon...usually girls are the ones who wanna play mind games after sex and the guys are all "fuck off...it hasn't been 4 days yet, I'm not allowed to call you"...and there's that chemical thats released in a chick's brain when they have sex that is the same chemical released when they fall in love. Seriously. And guys don't have that chemical. So that explains how some girls are pretty damn psychotic after sleeping with a guy...and we're so in touch with our emotions, it just adds to the insanity. So sometimes we're just fucked. But right now, its the complete opposite for me. Which is weird. Is there an escort service for poor earth mamas? I could pay off the guy with tams or hemp chokers. I'd do it if I were him.

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